A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped 2 feet from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!!!!!"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear? "She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did  he have any last requests? "She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun"

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes
with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."